The Voices In My Head…

A counselor once asked me if I have voices in my head.  I said no of course.  But I think I lied.  I actually do.  I have even named them.

At this point you might think I’m a bit crazy but you might need to ask yourself if you have these voices as well.

You see at my core, I am restless.  Always looking for something more and always wondering what next bad thing will happen around the corner.  It’s a tension inside me that pulls at me.  It stretches me, but not in a good way. It hurts.

These voices wage war against each other inside of me.

Their names?  Drive and Fear.

I’m never satisfied and often afraid.  I drive for success and fear failure.  The war that wages on inside of me wears me out at times.  They both yell at me to join them.  Do I just let them fight it out, or do I join one?  I want to join one, I really do.  For one has a very noble cause.  Sometimes my desire is that Drive will win.  Fear is a nasty thing to live with.  It’s crippling.  But it many ways so is Drive.  While Fear keeps me from trying anything, Drive pushes me to always be hungry, thirsty, and never satisfied.  Neither one seems to have the answers I long for.

While all this is going on I have this sense there is a third party at play.  Even when I let Fear overcome me I sense it’s presence. When I surrender myself to Drive and it’s noble cause it is there as well.  I know the voice.  I’ve heard it before.  It is often drowned out by Drive and Fear.  It will not shout overtop the other voices but it gently speaks to my soul. I can hear it even when the two are shouting at me if I listen closely.  Its gentleness oddly has this amazing ability to quiet the war inside of me. It calls me out and tells me to slow down.

Does this voice have a name? Most certainly does!  He is my Father.  The Good Shepherd.  His voice is Love.  For God is Love.

He says, “I love you. You are my son.”  Even when I am un-whole He makes me whole.  Oh how He restores my soul. When this war wages inside of me I can sit with Him and His peace is there.  When I sit with Him, His rest is there.  He alone defines me and redefines me.  Oh if I could learn to sit with Him more often.  Walk with Him. Not rush ahead or fall behind.  Drive would have me rush ahead, Fear would have me fall behind.  Drive tells me I need to succeed; Fear tells me I can’t.

His voice reminds me I’ve been adopted as His son! I am His and He is mine.  He holds me with all my fear and with all my drive.  He simply says, “Rest and know that I love you.” Fear dissipates. Drive settles.  Hope rises.  Joy fills my soul.  Peace enters in.  I see more clearly the work around me He is doing and then I join Him.  I say no to Drive and Fear.  I say yes to God.  I say yes to Love.

2 comments

  1. Hi Tony, good thinking and good writing, waiting for God’s timing and hearing his voice is not always easy in this crazy busy world we live in, I have to turn the world off and find a quiet place to listen to His voice, often it happens late in the evening at the ocean when all my senses come alive when I am alone with Him and I can hear him reminding me I am His and He is my Father who deeply loves me and will never leave me. papa D

    Liked by 1 person

  2. beautifully put brother. Am back in CO again after finishing some retirement work up in Austin, TX. Once, when struggling with what you’ve described above, a stranger asked me how I was and I was acting as her cashier and had a few moments to be honest.

    I told her about the voices I’d been believing (like you’ve described) and she said something that she had been learning which was helping her with this very thing.

    She said, “Train yourself to listen to what is true and said by – verbal and written words which you know is true, and ONLY notice what your mind thinks, because it is weaker or more vulnerable to nonsense.” Yes, she was a believer. This began in me a need to read the WORD aloud more over myself; (washing of the WORD).

    Like

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