Uncertain Clarity…

A paradox of words.  Life seems full of them, especially right now.  We find ourselves in this paradox of uncertain clarity.  Clarity in the moment, yet total uncertainty for the future.

For us personally it is an interesting place to find ourselves in.  Pais Australia/New Zealand is poised to continue to grow and see even more Kingdom impact yet we are walking away.   Not only are we saying goodbye but also, I have no job lined up.  I’ve always been one to have a plan for what is next.  I like having a plan.  It’s good to have a plan.  But at this moment, I have little to no idea what is next.

I know Father has used this time to form in us things we had yet not known.  I know there is still more to be formed in us before we step into whatever God has for us next, but the level of uncertainty at times really freaks me out.  It goes like this…

I say to him, “I am afraid”.

He says to me, “Do not be afraid. I am with you. I have always been with you. I will always be with you. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust in me and my unfailing love. Continue to walk in faithfulness. I will open it up. I love you my son.”

I say to him, “I’m still scared.”

He says, “I know. It’s ok. Trust me.”

I say, “I’m trying to.”

He says, “That’s all I’ve ever asked. Let me do the rest.”

I say, “I don’t know how.”

He says, “You don’t need to. It all depends on me, not on you.”

“All of it?” I ask.

“Yes,” he says, “Every little bit. All of it.”

“Ok. Please take it all then.” As I now weep, I pray, “I surrender it all. Let it be well with my soul. Teach me your ways. Replace all my fears with your hope. Replace the weight I’ve laid upon myself, with what you want. Replace the pain from all the hurt that I hold onto with your everlasting joy. Take it all and replace it with what you want.”

It is no longer a reluctance to which I surrender, but I gladly hand it over because I care not anymore to carry such burdens, which were never meant to be my own.

I must constantly remind myself this truth.

When this truth sinks in I can then, and only then, approach each day with anticipated joy with what God has for me each day.

It seems odd to say we can have clarity about the uncertain future, but we can learn to.  Clarity of the uncertain future lies not within our ability to have a plan, but in having confidence in His plan.  Do we really trust him to unfold it all?  Do we believe He has ALLof it?

I suppose this is what the writer of Hebrews meant we he penned the words. “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1 NIV)

A counselor once asked me if I have voices in my head.  I said no of course.  But I think I lied.  I actually do.  I have even named them.

At this point you might think I’m a bit crazy but you might need to ask yourself if you have these voices as well.

You see at my core, I am restless.  Always looking for something more and always wondering what next bad thing will happen around the corner.  It’s a tension inside me that pulls at me.  It stretches me, but not in a good way. It hurts.

These voices wage war against each other inside of me.

Their names?  Drive and Fear.

I’m never satisfied and often afraid.  I drive for success and fear failure.  The war that wages on inside of me wears me out at times.  They both yell at me to join them.  Do I just let them fight it out, or do I join one?  I want to join one, I really do.  For one has a very noble cause.  Sometimes my desire is that Drive will win.  Fear is a nasty thing to live with.  It’s crippling.  But it many ways so is Drive.  While Fear keeps me from trying anything, Drive pushes me to always be hungry, thirsty, and never satisfied.  Neither one seems to have the answers I long for.

While all this is going on I have this sense there is a third party at play.  Even when I let Fear overcome me I sense it’s presence. When I surrender myself to Drive and it’s noble cause it is there as well.  I know the voice.  I’ve heard it before.  It is often drowned out by Drive and Fear.  It will not shout overtop the other voices but it gently speaks to my soul. I can hear it even when the two are shouting at me if I listen closely.  Its gentleness oddly has this amazing ability to quiet the war inside of me. It calls me out and tells me to slow down.

Does this voice have a name? Most certainly does!  He is my Father.  The Good Shepherd.  His voice is Love.  For God is Love.

He says, “I love you. You are my son.”  Even when I am un-whole He makes me whole.  Oh how He restores my soul. When this war wages inside of me I can sit with Him and His peace is there.  When I sit with Him, His rest is there.  He alone defines me and redefines me.  Oh if I could learn to sit with Him more often.  Walk with Him. Not rush ahead or fall behind.  Drive would have me rush ahead, Fear would have me fall behind.  Drive tells me I need to succeed; Fear tells me I can’t.

His voice reminds me I’ve been adopted as His son! I am His and He is mine.  He holds me with all my fear and with all my drive.  He simply says, “Rest and know that I love you.” Fear dissipates. Drive settles.  Hope rises.  Joy fills my soul.  Peace enters in.  I see more clearly the work around me He is doing and then I join Him.  I say no to Drive and Fear.  I say yes to God.  I say yes to Love.

I’ve had this thought lately…

We need a reset…

We must go back to the ancient ways given to us by the ancient of days. 

Hear me out before you shut me out.

His ways are not our ways.

We all see that this world seems ready to implode and we can’t seem to carry the load. 

The weight of the hurt and the pain seems to run through our veins. The hatred and the violence makes love seem silenced. 

So that’s why we must go back, that’s why we need a reset.

It’s one that calls out for love to the point of obedience on the cross to seek and save the lost. 

In him it doesn’t matter where you came from or where you are. The colour of your skin and your past don’t matter to him. 

He’s more concerned about what’s ahead that’s why his tears were red, dripped with blood because hope it lost and we are stuck in the mud. 

As I walk in the shops and drive the streets I can see how their souls are lost and weak. 

The burden I carry for the lost is one birthed from love. I want them to know the hope I have from above. 

From the beginning when Cane killed Able and even at the birth in that stable. There was malice and prejudice in our hearts. It’s why we must go back to the start. 

We must go back to the ancient of days he’s the only one who can reset our ways. 

All fear, all hatred, all bitterness, all rage  can be obliterated when we walk in his ways. 

Your ball and chain, the weight and pain can be liberated in his name. 

Every day all across the world he calls out and asks whom shall I send who will go and speak and proclaim my love to the hurting the broken and the weak?

So I fall to my knees and weep, 

I fall to my knees and weep,

I fall to me knees and weep.

And then I speak. 

Let it be known this life is not my own.

I will go and I will speak of this love that is greater than anything we seek. It’s a love that penetrates so deep. It can divide hearts and souls penetrate even the marrow in bones. 

For like Jeremiah the ancient prophet of old, it is like a fire caught up in my bones. I grow weary of holding it in. This love that is so bold. 

As I rise each day of the week that I may proclaim this love and speak. 

For how will they know unless I tell them, how will they see unless I show them. How will the ever get a chance to know him?